Monday, August 20, 2007

I have been marveling in the beautiful provision of the Lord the past few days. Words fail when describing how hard these past few days have been. I feel tired, lonely, desperate and just simply sad. Jesus has provided amazing friends who manifest his love in such a way that I am left speechless when trying to sum them up.

I was with my friend Sarah on Friday and she was asking how things were after the breakup. She asked me if I liked being single again. I was struck with two options, either lie and "save face" or just answer honestly. I chose the second and her response was incredible. She allowed me freedom of thought. Sometimes I think that we as singles are supposed to put on this brave front and act as though we are pleased with this stage of life even if we feel like this is a bitter cup. Now I do believe we are called to be content in all things, and the Lord is allowing me to find contentment in his precious name again. I am left wondering, what is with this facade that I want to put on. I do not want to dwell in anger or go down this road of bitterness. I think that I am afraid that if I do not put a funny spin on this break-up then I am just boring people with my talk and my tears might only bring an uncomfortable silence. This is closing me off from the kingdom, from Christ and from the people that he has brought into my life. I wonder if other single people feel like they are a bother? Is it just me? Sharing sin, real sin the kind that is not at all pleasing to look at has only brought freedom in the past. Bringing sin into glorious light is the only way to grow relationships deeper that I have found.

Last Sundays sermon brought such a sweet reminder of Grace. When Peter is chosen to be sifted God tells him, Peter I have prayed for you, after you deny me 3 times and you turn again may you strengthen your brothers. That is a loose paraphrase, left the bible in the car. Still, how incredible that I have a God who prayes for my strength to be strengthened, or that I have a spirit who interceeds for me with groanings far to deep for words. This God is beautiful to me. My soul adores him.

One the same note as the 2nd paragraph, I was talking to my roommate Holly and Matt tonight and we came up with some thoughts that I would like to share. Some back story to begin. I have never been one of those women who believe that my life begins when I get married. I have lived an amazing life and I have loved it although it marriage is something that I desire. I moved in with Matt and Holly instead of getting my own appt because I really thought I would end up in TX. I felt sure this was for transition only. When (my former) Matt and I broke up one of the first things that entered into my mind was shame. I am 28 years old living with some friends in a spare room. Why don't I grow up and get an apt? Holly and I discussed that tonight. It has been an amazing blessing living with them and sharing life. Single people have an incredible opportunity to minister to their married counterparts (and not just through bad dating stories that make them glad they have found someone!) and married couples to singles. I believe we sequester our selves off waiting until we become "better Christians" before we truly live in community. Suprise, you will never be better. Sanctified, yes. Better, no. The thoughts just came up that oftentimes we can hardly stand to think of our spouses seeing our sin, but we can accept that, heck we even signed up for that. But for a stranger or a friend, that is a level of intimacy we are not used to. I guess I can only speak for expierence but as hard as living in community has been (and trust me, sometimes it is painful) they are some of the sweetest times of intimacy and love that I have ever gotten the opportunity to be involved in.

That is it, a glimps into my overworked brain this week. Hope everyone is well.


Liz said...

NEVER are you a bother - we are so glad that you are here!! See you Wed. night for some laughter and games! :)

Charlotte said...

We've been out of town and now are back! I bought some paneer and one of these days will do a big batch. Want to assist?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts and recent revelations. I especially needed to read paragraph two. Really needed it. It is easy to forget that even though God has orchestrated every detail to bring me here, to this very point, an uncomfortable one at that, that He will continue in the work He has begun in us. I needed to remember that He is interceeding for me and he knows what is coming around the bend ahead of me. Love you. Leda