BREATHING OUT OF BOTH NOSTRILS. I have been laid up with the flu/cold. I am not quite sure which it is, I would describe my symptoms but I would still like to keep some of you as friends.
What does everyone else do when they are sick, because really, I am quite sure my teenage years really affected how I want to act today. I want to preface this by saying I really am sick and I actually did spend the day 85% in bed and 5% eating popsicles and 10% cleaning my room. Alas, I digress. When I was a child I tried everything to get out of going to school. I am trying to write as honestly as possible knowing that my parents and sister read this blog, but it is time, I am cleaning out my closet.
The art of skipping school is a time honored tradition, I consider myself quite skilled at said art. It worked to my benefit to have had two parents that work. My father traveled a lot, so to make my illness believable I would begin my slight complaining by stating that I felt kind of ill, but I could handle it a few days before dad had a trip planned. I had to know that mom needed to to be at work so as you can imagine, this took quite a lot of planning. After confirming their absence I would plan out my day. It involved obscene amounts of tav, movies, books and candy. I liked to refer to them as "mental health" days. I really don't think I was fooling anyone but lets let me pretend eh?
As a teen coming of age during Ferris Buellers Day Off how could I not micromanage my day. This was before cell phones so don't count me out yet. My father would call on occasion but you could just tell him you were asleep, you see he loved us and therefore believed us. My mother was a whole different ball-game. Connie (madre) would call at "random" intervels, the only way to bypass this was to feign an interest in work and learn her schedule. She was a teacher so asking about classes were your best bet. Once you had that down you had to assume she would call around lunch time (11:10) and you needed to be available around 1:40 also, so about 11:00 and 1:35 I would cough until my throat was raw so when I picked up the phone I wasn't exactly lying. You see, I was in pain.
So I didn't gain 45lbs from the candy I would grab my bike and ride the mile and a half to the local convenience store and then ride around for another couple miles, but not long enough for my absence to be missed or for the incredibly freakish suburban neighborhood watch to kick it. Connie had spies you see, our elderly neighbor Doris and the neighbors in the back yard...all on her payroll doing her bidding. Doris had a weak spot, she had migraines and pulled her shades down, I exploited this to all it was worth (I loved Doris like a grandmother by the way, but you have to do what you have to do.) Anyway, it worked best to get this energy out of the way early so you were available to take the calls, but if not you could always call and explain that you didn't feel well and just wanted to tell someone who cared, that usually works but you run the risk of her rushing home. After the energy is exhausted you have the rest of the day to relax and forget all about that test.
How I loved these lessons of life. I view these tips as necessary for a generation dependent on technology, go simple, works every time. I hope you all are well and enjoying breathing out of your nose and mouth, I will join you in your relief in a few days.
Ps: I love you Mom and Dad and I am sure you always knew when I was lying but thanks for giving your kid a much needed break in the year. And if you post anying mean I will bring out the big guns... I ain't scared